I hide

Do you know that i hide feelings behind walls thicker than your pride? Do you know that i hide behind toilet doors just to not let you see me cry? Do you know that i hide my inner screams within myself, and only for myself to hear? Do you know that i hide my scars underneath a facade of strength? Do you know that i hide myself, my true being, just to please your soul?

Of course, you wouldn't know. Cause i've been hiding from you. You don't know how i really feel.

I feel tarnished. Drenched. Mistaken. Languid. Forbidden. Pushed over. Done.

The tears i hold back are in a form of passion, where the passion is hate. Hatred, from the grudges i've been holding on against you.

My inner voice screams to me every night, pointing out what a fool i've been for being selfless and forgiving. Its screams are as piercing and alarming as a siren's call, yet i'm the only one who hears.

I build a pillar of strength out of paper in hopes of protecting my scars. The blemishes on my skin just shows how tainted and imperfect my soul is. And you wouldn't want a peek of that part of me.

Cause once you realise my flaws, you'd see a broken me.

Who would like a broken piece?

That is why i hide.

I hide from you so that you'd be pleased, satisfied, and convinced. In other words, i'm a fake to you.

And by you, i mean everyone.

A Blinded Love

I never thought of this day to come. I was confident in our relationship, I always assumed that out love was real and that we will last forever. Turned out that we were both blinded by that hopeless facade. It's all just a fucking lie, everything. And it makes me so enraged to think that I was fooled by our so called 'love'. Everyone had warned me not to get too carried on, but guess what? I obviously didn't listen. I gave you my all, and all I get back in return is a fucking broken, rotten, shattered heart. Don't say I didn't give you chances, there were at every corner. You could have just sucked up that damn ego of yours for once. Because all these time, I was the fucking one giving in. I had to bear with all your childish acts and arrogant behaviour. You always think that you're right. You don't take in others' comments because you think you've known everything. I didn't fucking give up on you, you yourself did. I did everything in my own will to fucking try to bring out the best in you, but I guess I'm not the one who can do that for you. I'm done with all these shit you pour on me. I'm tired and sick of it. And to think that on my worst days, when I needed your comfort most- things that every girl would expect from their boyfriend- you would stoop so fucking low to fucking make me feel worse. I don't even know how one could be so shallow. You don't even consider my feelings, just your stupid fucking pride. And you know what? Because of that, I'm done. I've taken enough of it. I didn't expected much from you anyways. I just hoped that at least you would step down and offer me a kind act, one that will warm my heart during my loneliest and darkest days. But you didn't. You didn't even try. You didn't even bother to fight for me, for us. So what do you expect me to do? To hold on? Yeah dream on. Being with you was the biggest mistake in my life honestly.

But I regret nothing. Because partially, it was my fault for loving you. And I know deep down in my heart that you too, loved me wholeheartedly. I wouldn't neglect the days when you made me smile, laugh even. You made me felt loveable and that I was worth. You sheltered me with comfort, and treasured me as though I'm the only gem in the world. But I guess too much of everything has its consequences. It brings harm. There was so much comfort that I thought we were inseparable. I kept telling myself that the pain and grudges were only temporary because our love overpowers any negativity.

Well today, finally, I had the courage to open my eyes. I realized that there was so much wrong in this relationship. I almost felt forced to be with you just because I felt that everything was comfortable. And now, without you by my side, I know that my life will flip. Because you were my only constant throughout these 3 years. Now, I'll have to learn to live without you. I depended too much on you. And I wish to live my life alone, as a strong individual despite a shameful past. And I wish you the same, to put back our past and focus on what's ahead. Of course I will bottle our shared memories somewhere special in my heart. Those memories are etched in my heart and mind forever. And I hope they do too in yours. I wish you luck in everything, and I hope you will be blessed with a significant other whom can understand and relate to you better than I do.

I used to end my letters with "Lots of Love", but I guess this will be the first change for both of us.

Best Wishes,
Catherine

Self-Introduction

  Hello everyone! This is my very first post, so...self-introduction! 

  My name is Catherine Shi, but people call me Cat :) I was born on the glorious day- 4th October 1999 (that means I'm 16 this year!) I am a Canadian baby that was bound to have a sleek Canadian accent and play hockey, but only spent the first four years of my life as a senseless toddler in Canada. Then, my family decided to move to Singapore, a tiny country found in South-East Asia. And here I am. As a Singaporean holding both Canadian and Singaporean passports! (hehe) 
#1 lesson from Cat: Life gives you blessings in disguise :)

  I am the eldest child in my family of five, two cute little sisters and two dearest parents that loves me endlessly. I am lucky, I must say :) However don't get me wrong when I say I am a Canadian baby, I'm a legit Asian girl. My Mother is from Indonesia while my Father is from China (hence the strong asian genes), but how great is the power of love eh? How two souls can find each other despite the distance. Heart-warming. 

  Now, about my hobbies! I enjoy sleeping and eating- greatly similar in comparison with a pig, but! I actually have a passion for arts :) I love drawing, sketching, painting... anything that is related to art really. I can sacrifice my meals and sleep just to dedicate time for my artworks. Additionally, I like to read as much as I love to write. I aspire to write out my very own novel one day, and publish it :)
I feel that through writing, sketching and drawing, is where I really get to express myself.

 See that's the thing about me. I'm a really really really awkward turtle in this bustling society. I don't usually express myself clearly to others, well only to people I'm close with. But in general, my thoughts are all filtered up in my head that the words I speak out only carry like 30% of what I really want to say. Sad story. But nonetheless, I'm still a really really really fun person to hang out with (really!), if you're kind that is :)

  I'm currently studying in Singapore Sports School, yes it is a legit school that focuses on both studies and sports. And I'm proud to be part of the school :) If you were guessing which sport I participate in, get ready to be wrong. I'm actually a shooter! Taking part in the women 10 meters air- rifle shooting event. I started shooting when I was only 12, which is quite an old age to pick up a new sport, however, it is better late than never ;) I have been shooting competitively these few years, and made many lovely friends along the journey. I wouldn't deny that despite all the rigorous and strenuous training, the whole experience of shooting was fun and memorable. 

 Yet, with this year being my graduating year, it would mean that I have to put in more effort for my national exams :( Putting it in a positive light, I am embarking onto another whole new chapter in my life story! How amazing. Studying in a new institution, meeting new people and making new friends...yeah the list goes on :) And that is why I have decided to start blogging. I'd like to write and share my life experiences with the people who would actually visit my blog._. 
But if you're still reading up to here, I really appreciate your time spent reading up on my blogs :) and maybe we could be friends! :D another fact about me is that I love making new friends, 
so hey! why not? I'm already squeezing out from my turtle shell!

With great anticipation,
Cat :)